At night i think of you1/2/2024 But often people truly want to help us, and something that is small for them can feel huge for you. It can be hard to ask for help, we get it. Ask them to run kids to sports or help out with a meal. If people have asked how they can help, take them up on it. If you are feeling depleted by the energy you are using all day to just survive, try to increase your relaxation time at night. We have a post about keeping substance use in check while grieving here. If you are, this can feel good in the short term, but can quickly make you feel worse in the long term. If you aren’t sleeping to avoid, you might be using alcohol or another drug to numb some of those difficult feelings. While we’re on the topic of avoidance, let’s keep an eye on substances too. Sleeping too much can actually make you feel worse over time, and when we sleep to avoid we don’t learn how to cope with and manage our grief in healthier ways. We don’t want you to suffer with insomnia, but we also don’t want you sleeping 14 hours a day. Set a regular bedtime and keep check on how many hours you’re sleeping. If you find yourself trying to sleep your evenings away, just to avoid the pain of loss, this can develop into a risky cycle. It is a nice way to avoid all those difficult feelings that come with loss. The reality in grief is that sometimes people start sleeping to much. Create a bedtime routine, so your brain knows you are winding down.No screens for at least an hour before bedtime.Try to go to bed and get up at the same time.We have a whole post on grief and getting a good night’s sleep here, so check it out for more details. Follow the tenants of good sleep hygiene.Whether it be in or out of the house, having some things to break up your time and distract your brain can help. We don’t suggest avoiding and distracting all the time, but your brain needs breaks (one of our favorite grief theories, The Dual Process Model of Grief, talks all about that). It might mean some crafts, house projects, video games, books, puzzles, art, or other activities to busy your brain in the evenings. This doesn’t have to mean going out and being social if you aren’t up to it or ready. Plan some evening and nighttime activities.So, the million-dollar question: what do you do if your grief feels worse at night? Tips if your grief is worse at night By the time night rolls around, there just isn’t any more energy. Often people grieving have spent a lot of time and energy holding it together. With no one and nothing around to break up the rumination, it can continue to cycle. Often when people get into bed, their brain starts ruminating over their loss and just can’t stop. It just happens to be especially common at night. Now, don’t get me wrong, rumination can happen at any time. The brain tries to make sense of them, often obsessing. Never heard of it? It is when our brains go over and over things going on in our lives. At times of year when it gets dark earlier in the evening, it can zap motivation to participate in evening activities and it can lower overall mood. For many people, darkness has an impact on mood and motivation to do things. When they aren’t there to cook a meal together or to watch a favorite show or talk about your day or fill the spot on the other side of the bed, it can create a pit of nighttime loneliness that feels bottomless. Be it a spouse, child, roommate, parent, or anyone else who lived with you, if you lost a person who you often spent your evenings with, evenings and nights might make you especially aware of their absence. The night, for many, brings long hours of empty or unstructured time for your brain to focus on the thoughts and emotions of grief. It just means you might experience breaks while your brain is forced to focus on other things. It certainly doesn’t mean you aren’t being impacted by grief during the day. During the day, work and errand might keep your brain consumed and busy. This study of 815 bereaved college students found that they were far more likely to experience insomnia than their non-bereaved counterparts. Grief is physically and emotionally draining, so this inability to sleep can then cause extreme frustration and distress at night. Whether it is having a hard time falling asleep or staying asleep, when your sleep is disrupted it can create anxiety, time for rumination, and just general discomfort. This is pretty obvious – grief impacts sleep for many people.
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